Juni 23, 2014

College Seeker: The Inevitable Adventure of Depressed Mind

I dont know if this is a thing, but it definitely makes me questioning my life. I have this issue where I get really terrified about what others think slash say about me, I know there are lots of encouraging words for this problem but still I heard it. I heard what people said, this and that. Also, I fear failure, a lot. I fear failing my lord, parents, family, friends, and whoever I know in my life. I know it's okay to fail in your exam, your class, driving test, and etc. because it's something that we usually get the next chance to succeed. For me, failing an exam means I have to avoid my dad because I couldn't imagine how he'd response to my exam score. I know he won't shout at me, he'd try to examine what did he do wrong that I failed exam, and sure it's never been a nice situation. Sometimes, I wonder what is it that make me such a daughter, not smart enough to succeed, something is lacking and I dont know what.

As for now, I have graduated from high school and I'll go to next level of my academic state. I dont know what will I do with my life or what will my life be in next ten years. I remember telling my friend that five years later I will live my life working on something that I love, so does he. Therefore, I applied a form for this college that provides my-inner-interest department. Say that I expect too much, it's a wishful thinking, a temporary dream, or whatsoever. The first attempt failed, I failed myself and my parents. I told myself that I have to over it, it's done. Now, the second attempt. This one is a huge scale selection. Still the result is not confirmed yet. I really do hope that this is the one. I still have this alternate option, I call it the #3. I passed this test to go to this #3 college which I'm grateful for. The problem is that I applied for the not-so-interested departement. My parents are okay with it, but I have some doubts whether it works out or not in the future. Will I make it or not? Too bad, it doesnt stop there. I also have the #4, this one also a big scale selection and it definitely the exact opposite of my interest, I have no idea why I agreed to apply for this. My parents told me if I passed the #4, I'll get a job easily and if not I still look employable, like seriously. It's now all about looking well clever and employable, I'm so sad.

Here the spiral thoughts cramming my mind,why is this have to be so complicated? Why did I apply to #4 when there's nothing to make me interested? Why would I do with #3 if it's not what I want? What if I spent my next year as #3 freshman and I have no idea what I've been doing all that year? What if I end up with the #4? Will I survive? What will I do with my life? Will I make it as a functional human being? If I make it to the second attempt, I'll definitely be thankful and grateful. I wish I make it. I hope, I do.